Chapter 6: You and Me

Ella spent the next week getting to know Kyle. She found that surprisingly, he intrigued her wits. She prodded him with endless questions and he welcomed it. She discovered this relaxing vibe she felt when he was around. Like he was Chris Issac or something.

All this time, her feelings of Joshua fled her memory and she barely knew he was around. It gotten to a point where they barely said “hi” to each other. They hadn’t spoken since she told him off about his plans with her down and out sister. But she didn’t care.

Josh has changed in her mindset. Mel didn’t know what she’s in for with him that’s for sure. She couldn’t commit if it killed her. Ella knew it wouldn’t get serious or anything so she never put the issue in thought so much. Until of course he dropped his marriage bombshell.

Nothing but an empty page
Breathing in an open space
Captured by a moment’s grace
Again

She was still worried even though she told herself that she wasn’t going to get involved. More concerned for Josh than her sister. She was mad at him. Every time she sees him she starts shaking. More like shivers unbrideldly. He deserves a better opportunity. Settling with something now rather than considering other endeavors. Especially ones that is right in front of you from the start.

Ella found it out the hard way as soon as he decided to share his details. It wasn’t really all bad. Since she met Kyle, things have changed. Feelings were put away for a good reason. She didn’t need this painful lashing eating away at her emotions. She vowed to herself and Kyle that she’d move forward.

And she did just that.

Here’s my resolution I’m letting go
All I need to learn is along this road
And just want to be the best that I can be
Breathe
It’s my resolution

She lay on her bed, anticipating Kyle's return to her room. He made her feel like she mattered. In the world of Melora, it was incredulously hard to carve your own credibility. Kyle was the first guy to really listen to her. Things ran smoothly when they hung out. And for the first time, she noticed that finally someone that good looking would want anything to do with her. It was great. She wasn’t worried about anything when it came to him. She can just be Ella. Plain Jane Ella.

It was like that movie she saw 10 years ago. The Mirror Has Two Faces. She knows she’s Barbara. The last 22 years of her life she was Barbara. Reticent and ready for the eminent failure. In love with someone who would never feel the same. But the ending always confused her. Falling for your best friend? Why risk the bond? She could never imagine letting her feelings perplex any situation. She values friendship dearly and wouldn’t dream of sabotaging such a precious thing.

There’s so much I’ve left behind
Even more that waits in time
Everything’s so undefined
Standing on the edge of my fear
And I see it clear

“Where is that guy?” she asked anonymously.

She turned on her stomach and took out a magazine. As she thumbed through the pages, she cringed. The models just get skinnier by the second. For a while she was envious of those girls. They got all the guys and didn’t have to impress anyone. They pretty much got it made looks alone. Crazy lifestyles.

“It’s like all they eat is air,” she sighed and threw the magazine back on the shelf.

She threw her head back, closing her eyes. She heard the door open and raised her eyebrow.

“Who’s there?”

Silence.

“Hey,” she felt the weight on the bed shift.

That voice, something’s weird.

She opened her eyes only to find Kyle’s face inches from hers. Her eyes bulged out slightly.

Living life without a plan
Finding souls where I stand
And learning how to love again
And all I want is something real
That I can feel

“What are you doing?”

He shrugged, “Nothing, I used to do this to my brothers a lot.”

He rested his head on her stomach earning a scuff from Ella. “What are you doing?”

“I’m tired. Dad had me moving shit all day. I don’t think we could go out tonight. So what do you wanna do?”

She stroked his hair, “Don’t know. How’s your Dad doing?”

“Stressed as ever. My stepmother’s always late so he frets non-stop about nothing. But she’s cool about it. How’s big sis? Tell me things…”

“Does it matter? She has what I wanted since last year. People love her. She’s perfect; I’m a vapid waste of space. Who says things need to change.”

“Why do you say these things? You gotta learn to not let this shit get to you so much. You know what I mean? You’re a lot better than you give yourself credit for. You have a lot to offer. What do I gotta do to make it get it so you can shut up with all the depression?”

She sighed, “More convincing but you’re on the right track. I just have a lot of built up anger. Towards one person in particular. Ugh, it’s really a small, ugly Katherine Harris-like world I tell yas.”

Kyle sat up slightly, resting his chin on her stomach, “You’re a complicated woman Ella James. Complicated beyond the comprehension. But you wouldn’t be irresistible without it.”

She rolled her eyes, “I’ll be the luckiest girl in the world if that did me in. Too bad words are just words. On the other hand, if you’re serious than brownie points for you.”

“Confuse me?” he sniffed a giggle, “Did I just hear I’ve been rewarded brownie points? When was it the 90s and where was I? Well now that you mention… Ella my dear, what’s your definition of brownie points prey-tell?”

Her face contorted in a question mark. “How old are you again? I don’t give hidden meanings to what I say. I can say who wins my affections and you’ve definitely made it farther than most people let me just say that much.”

“Hmm, well,” he starts lifting her shirt up a little, “you know what I say to that…?”

“Uh, what’s going on?”

Suddenly, the whole world has dissipated and Ella starts screaming with laughter. Never since she was 5 has someone done this to her. Kyle actually blew a raspberry on her stomach and repeatedly.

Her breathing becomes shallow as he starts to slow down. There was this weird silence she started to feel and it was suffocating her annoyingly.

His face was inches from hers and she didn’t like it. She moved further away, “Uh, sorry about… that.”

She felt his awkward breathing as well, “Yeah, me too. Do you want me to go? Because I really have nothing better to do you know.”

She was relieved, “No it’s cool. Just had a little too much fun there. Are we cool?”

He shrugged, “Oh yeah, totally. Jeez, I feel like Keanu Reeves or something.”

Ella shook her head in worry, “Only Melora finds that guy attractive. Me? I like me some Matt Damon please. Heh, pretend you’re gay, do you think he’s hot?”

She tapped on his shoulder like a child, “Uh, no to the first one thanks, and uh I don’t know how to answer that question. Are those the kind of guys you’re into? Matt Damon types?”

Without hesitation, she just knew, “Sure. Nothing wrong with that. I like guys who have a thing about them. I like guys who can know someone they love even before they know themselves. If that makes any sense. I really want a guy who knows where he’s going but leaves it to chance. Like a risk taker. Selfless and unassuming. God, I should write the ad right now shouldn’t I?”

She giggled as she hoped over to her dresser fiddling with the different clips and accessories lain on the table top. The way her hands moved, felt like satin velvet. She flowed, she held a magic in her movements that captured her in a new light. Like a little girl trying on dresses she switched to earrings.

He nearly gaped at her but caught himself when she turned around. His eyes narrowed as he noticed she was a little somber as she crossed her arms.

She stared directly at him, “It’s hopeless, no matter what I do, and nothing changes. I’m too disillusioned for my own good. It’s finally happened. The world is ending Kyle, and I got split ends to top it off.”

She plopped down next to him and lay on her back. She felt him tap her shoulder softly, “What’s up? Who do you want me to beat up?”

“How is your stance on hitting a woman go? Doable?”

He sighed, “Well, what am I getting in return?”

She sat up, seriously, “I’ll give anything for that favor. The world would be grateful. Trust me on that.”

“Baby, I’m not gonna put a hit on your sis. Why don’t you just come live with me for a while?”

Ella thought for a minute, why not really? He’s nice, hot, though there’s no obvious attraction, and willing to save you from the 6th circle of hell. But still, as the idea of it did seem tempting, well more than like deliciously tempting, the rationality of it came to focus.

“I can’t. But I’ll keep it in consideration. What are you doing tonight?”

“Nothing much. Mel gonna stick around?”

She nodded, “Yeah, why? I never know. She always stays with Josh here. I’m not in any mood to see either one. Never have actually.”

“You still love him, huh?”

Ella’s shoulders tensed, “Why does it hurt still to know that’s true? Why can’t I move on? Sometimes I feel like if I’m not perfect, my life is non-existent. Things feel so cold. Like it’s always too late for me. Even when I think I had a moment’s chance it just passed. Love to me is some ancient passage that only happens to people who haven’t earned it. For so long I’ve wanted some notion, some iota of reason to just feel. Other than despair and emptiness, it hasn’t worked for me. I think if I try not to want it so bad, you know, it’ll come, just like certain things are supposed to work out. But even waiting is like a slow death, seeping into me without assurance. I just wanna know why. Why I can’t seem to let go of things I can never have in my life?”

She was so distraught over what she had revealed; she barely noticed Kyle was in the room. She did, however, feel him take her hand, and she was grateful he had.

“Maybe I should be quiet for telling you this but I don’t think you should invest any of your time in this anymore than you have. You’re better than this and you should know that. I think the reason why you’re so strained on believing this story is because no one has really gotten to how wonderful you are when they really get to know you. Even the parts you try and hide, the ones that make people pay attention, prove you’re equally greater than the next person. Maybe if I start telling you how amazing you are, you finally understand what I mean. Shit, I hope I’m making sense cuz the last time I thought about anything this much my mom made me try out for a play in high school.”

Her face broke out in a laugh, “Did you get it?”

He blushes on the memory, “Actually no, but the reason why I bring it up is because it was semi embarrassing and I try not to tell that story.”

“What was the part anyway?”

“Uh, it was Ed Wood.”

She rolled her eyes, smiling, “Nice, I certainly wouldn’t want to see you in any form of drag now. Unless you’re Chi Chi in Too Wong Foo…”

He stood up and held both her hands, brushing his thumbs over them gently, “So, you wanna get outta--”

“Oh, hey, sorry, you know where Mel is?” Josh busts into in her room.

Just as Ella was beginning a new chapter, he shows up.

Ella was so appalled she could barely say two words. She couldn’t believe it. All the confidence built in just vanished without warning. Kyle noticed her pale intake and perked in for her.

“Hey, yeah, we haven’t seen her man. Try her room, maybe she’s there.”

He gestured back with his thumb indicating toward Mel’s room. “Yeah, I was just there and I thought she might have come here and start something with Ella. It’s a thing they still have.”

Kyle sniffed back. The guy obviously doesn’t let up on much. Than he suddenly felt Ella’s hands slip from the hold.

She approached Josh with a stern attitude, “What do you want Josh? We haven’t seen her alright? Just leave us alone.”

She pushes him out and slams the door in his face. She leaned against the door, aggravation racing to the peak in her mind. It was obvious, there’s a lot going on still. She wants him. She doesn’t know why. She can’t handle him anymore. It’s getting harder to bare.

“It’s probably not my place, but, do you want me to go? We can do this another time.”

She looks up at that, “Aren’t you going to your place?”

“I’m not leaving yet. My dad wants me doing all the work for him anyway so… but it’s alright if you want be left alone.”

She bit her lip, “No, it’s just. I got some things to do in the morning and I need to go to bed early. But thanks for being here now.”

She steps forward, placing herself in his arms. As they slowly let go, he turned toward the door, turning the handle. He looked at Ella, winking and saluting in a playful childish way.

As he closed the door, she fell onto her bed. Alone, desolate, back where she started. Back to her original thoughts.

She heard a knock at her door. She wasn’t sure if she should get up or don’t bother. She sighed as she went against her original wishes and opened the door.

“Hey, can we talk?” And it doesn’t end.

“Josh, there’s nothing to talk about.” she tried closing the door on him but it was deflected.

“Ella, please. Let me explain some things.” he forced himself inside her room and shut the door.

“What? Where’s Mel? I thought you were looking for her.”

“I knew where she was. I came here to talk to you.” A line like that is dead on her now.

“I should feel so fucking lucky, what is it?”

He took a seat on her computer chair and tried to start with something, “I’m a little conflicted… with Mel. It happened the last time we spoke about what I wanted to happen with her and me. I don’t know what to do now. I’ve been with her for a year and I’m not sure if it’s what I want. I know I love her--”

“Josh, stop it! What do you want from me?” she cuts to the core.

He looked straight at her, which made her back up a little. “I can’t do this with her. I care about her a lot but it stops at that, you know? I don’t know…”

“Again, why do I need to know this?”

“Heh and I thought you’d be happy I wasn’t going to ask her to marry me. I wish there was a way to tell you.” he stood up, walking closer to her.

She was stuck. The wall was the end of escape. But why was she stilled? “Tell me what?”

He was too close. She thought she was dreaming again. In all her dreams, she wakes up in the end. But now, she found everything was in her control and she wasn’t doing anything. She felt it hard to swallow. Her mouth was dry as well as her lips.

“Ella, please don’t stop me.”

“Stop you from what?”

And than, she knew it wasn’t a dream.

Ella clutched the wall for support. It was futile to fight it. “Look, JC, I don’t know what you want. Why are you doing this?”

JC steps back as if recovering from a headache, “I don’t know. I was trying to say something and I just couldn’t. I don’t know what’s happening.”

This stung her terribly. She didn’t know what the hell was up with him and she hated it. This beating around the bush thing was becoming a problem.

She grew suddenly and touched his shoulder, “Josh, what do you want me to do? How can I help?”

How can she help? Joshua thought sinisterly. Doesn’t even begin to start what was going on through his engorged mind. Nothing can save him, not even Ella. His best friend. Someone he once called his only true confidant. But she doesn’t know… How could she? She never could understand how he feels. Strangely, being around her made it easier.

He gathered his empty will to look at her. She really doesn’t know. Has no fucking clue. She believes they are just friends. If only he could tell himself to believe that now. It’s a hoax. A canard. As he stares into her eyes, be a slumped fool to kid himself before. He knew where he belongs. He doesn’t know for sure. Can’t bring himself to say such things. Reveal his inner trueness.

He picks up her hand. Her eyes stretch slightly. He notices, and relents a sweet song as he ever so gently kisses her hand.

“JC… why did you do that?”

He placed two fingers just barely touching her soft, velvet lips. “I wanted to. That’s it.”

Doing things because you want to? What about the things you need to? Just do things because you need to. Whatever happened to being honest, she contemplated.

But she didn’t have time. What happened next boiled her over and it didn’t make sense but it was what she wanted for so long.

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