Chapter 9: For the First Time

She wet her lips, blinking several times to the side. She didn’t know what to do. Say? Ella was in denial and this time and its unmoving. This bothered her because she wanted to believe him.

“You love me? W-When did this happen?” Her words were coming out as if it was the first time she’s saying them.

JC looked as if he was going to faint. He knew what he just did and it made him feel dizzy but he still felt strong. He sat down next to her. His hands fidgeting about like he had Turret’s Syndrome.

Silence took over the room and it irritated them. Someone had to speak. Josh was scared of what she might be thinking. He wasn’t sure what to say next.

He was trying to think of how to answer that question all of a sudden. When did he know? Does that mean she believes him? Piercing at his brain, he still wasn’t sure what to tell her. All he knew was that he knew.

He gulped strangely, “I don’t know when. It happened. I think I always knew but I couldn’t tell you because of your sister. When my aunt died I was alone. Knee deep in depression and wasn’t sure why someone I loved and cared for dearly had to die. I knew you were trying to help me and I was just zombie to everyone. The way you cared, I noticed it. How you spoke to me. It was different and I knew then; I felt it and I couldn’t say anything. I don’t know if you would forgive me for treating you that way.”

He paused for a moment, collecting his next few thoughts.

 “I really don’t when it happened, but I love you Ella. I’ve been feeling alone around everybody else but not with you. I think that’s why I pushed you away more than anyone. I was afraid of being around you because of how I felt.”

She appeared quiet as she listened profusely to every word said. Processing everything bit by bit. Thinking back to the times when he was desolate. She shifted herself in his presence. Speechless. Soundless. Couldn’t grasp those strange words.

Josh bit his lip. He knows this was a lot to take in and he wasn’t sure if he should speak again. He wished he could read her mind at that moment.

He finally looked at her, and then, “I didn’t know. I wish you would have told me this. I wish there was some way I knew. And then you wanted to marry Mel. How could you?”

“I know, Ella. I just--I was scared. I regret that I hurt you the most. I cried for a week every night after that day. Because I cared for you the most and I was angry that I did this. I wish I told you so much. But I’m telling you now--”

She cut him off, “I had a feeling. You know, I’ve had dreams about you too. The first time we met I was so sure I knew who you are. I can see everything. Then you starting going with Mel and everything changed. But I still fell, nothing could stop that.” She looked at him.

He knelt down in front of her and took her hands, “I had no idea. Why didn’t you say something? We loved each other. Before what happened, we were so close.”

“Keyword: were.”

“We still are. Even more now. This means everything.”

The world was still. This was no dream and they knew it. He moved closer and they leaned on each other’s foreheads. Breathing deep and haggard.

She laughed slightly, “Can’t believe this. I can’t believe you’re here, right now, with me.”

He gently took her face in his hands, holding her to him, “Seems like a long time. Did you know everyday I dreamed of you? Everyday I was a big lie. I wouldn’t talk to you because of how I felt.”

She takes his hands down and just holds them as she looks down. “I don’t know about this Josh. I don’t know what to think. I just need some time with this.”

He nodded his head while tried to sink all of this in, maybe it was sudden and she wasn’t sure. It’s a lot for someone to take. Maybe taking it slow was the way to go about it. He wants her to make up her own decision on this.

Moments passed by and they both had nothing to say. The tears came spilling down as she turned her face away. She pulls her hands away and stands up to walk out of the room.
Nothing is ever as it seems. It’s strange and strangled. We’re born and grow, we live and die. If we’re lucky, we find our true loves that serve a greater purpose than anything else. But sometimes we’re not lucky. Finding it seems a lot easier than keeping it. For now, all he has to do was wait. She just wished it all to came a lot easier.

He softly lays down on his love’s bed, soaking her warmness. He didn’t want to wait. Feeling so alone now, he grows concerned. Finding it was half the battle, losing what he needed was another thing. How long did this have to go on?

JC thought about all that could be a reason. He couldn’t see it. Maybe it was too much all at once. He was just beginning to be honest and it was starting to make sense finally. His life was born. He couldn’t lie. He wanted her so badly.

But can she trust him?

Ella closed the bathroom door behind her and let her body fall against it. Wow, what was so bad about this? Is it what she’d been dreaming of for so long? What was wrong?

Oh no. What would Kyle think? She cared about him too. He actually listened to her when she needed him. He acted like a real friend, maybe more. She didn’t have a chance to find out. God help her, she wanted him in her life.

She wanted both of them. Both men. Her heart suddenly squeezed out and she grabbed at it. No, she can’t do this to him. No matter who she chose, someone is going to get hurt.

“I can’t see or talk to either of them. It’s best.” She hated admitting that out loud.

She had to let go. Let go of the fantasy she had permanently implanted in her mind since she met Josh. It doesn’t happen like this. Two great guys don’t deserve this.

She jumped as her cell vibrated against her. She got a text, it was Kyle’s number. She gulped as she open the message.

“I miss you… call me. I need to see you.”

She just stared at it.

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