Chapter 11: Beautiful
She was cold. Not her skin, her heart. She can’t trust me and she assumingly
does. It’s extraordinary. Her will, its what brought her to me. It’s why she
keeps coming back. I try and calm my nerves to a small portion but struggle
with the effort.
She remains quiet. I circumspect my movements very carefully. She knows
this, I peek at her thoughts. Nothing. I can’t hear a sound but my puppy
coming in. Damn Sam!
I take his collar and lead him to my room. I close the door and I hear
scratching. My head shakes as I turn away and walk back to the stoic figure
in the door. Its like she’s afraid to take another step. She sniffs. I’ve
seen her at unbelievable emotions. I come closer towards her. She still doesn’t
move. Her hand calls to me. I reach for it.
She jerks her head my way, she blinks, her eyes don’t seem to recall mine.
Slightly coltish but I hold my own. “Hmm… What’s your name?”
Hadn’t I told her? Oh yeah, convoking all my
attention onto her again. “Justin.”
She smirks a little, “I used to know a guy with that name in high school.
He was with this girl who was older than me. But I never talked to the guy.
Long story short, she’s the worst thing to happen to humans since Ashlee Simpson.”
I laugh, cheap shot but still, she’s sort of right. Although, weird, where
had all the information come from? Maybe it’s best not to mention it. I look
at her and offer to take her jacket. She hands me the jacket and I run it
to the basket in the laundry room. I walk toward my room and start to search
for some clothes. Her entire wardrobe is soaked through and I’m looking for
some warm stuff in my closet.
I find some clothes and close my door. My back seems to ache but at that
moment, Julie was my only care. I walk in the living room, she’s not in sight.
I frown.
“Julie?” I turn around and check the kitchen.
“Yeah? Everything OK?” I hear behind me and
nearly jump.
My head veers around and I give her reassurance gesturing to the clothes
in my hands. I smile, hoping she detightens, “Yeah, its is. Uh, I brought
you some clothes. You can go change in my room or the bathroom.”
She has a weird look on her face, there’s more to it but I can’t figure
much. Her damp her drips a little and she pulls it back out of her eyes. “I
can’t stay.”
I don’t understand. She feels dejected to me. Like the things I’m doing
she doesn’t care for. “What?”
She shakes her head and purposely avoids my eyes like I’m the plague. “I
can’t stay here. Listen, I’m really sorry about outside. I don’t do these
things. I just, I can’t stay here.”
I take it in but I refuse to hear it. She’s thinking narrow-mindedly, I
can’t let that happen. “You can’t leave.”
One of her eyes closes, she squints, “Excuse
me?”
I sigh, not wishing to further this mini quarrel any longer. “I don’t know
what to say but I’m sorry I can’t let you leave.”
Her eyes grew pissed, “What? You can’t tell me where to go. You know what?
This was a mistake, let me have my jacket.”
She started running past me and all I could do is gape on while she searches
for it. I roll my eyes, this is childish. “Please don’t do this. You should
be so scare-” she turned around and pushed me hard.
“I’m not afraid of anything. You don’t
know anything. I want my stuff and I want to leave now.” I don’t see has that
has really changed my mind.
My teeth ground together, but no, I can’t get mad. “Stop thinking that
you shouldn’t be afraid. You didn’t have to cry before but you did, and you’re
afraid of admitting that you’re lost. It’s alright. To me, I know what that
means. I know how that feels. Please, please stay Julie.”
“Stop calling me that!” she wipes at her eyes
and turns the other way still looking.
I give up. “What are you talking about? I didn’t
call you anything all I said was stay.”
“You just don’t get it! And why should I explain anything. Jesus, where
the fuck is my jacket?” she treads past me and opens the door to my room.
Dammit.
I run inside and slam the door. She needs to stop this. Does she really
not care about her life? Seems like it. “Look, you need to let off. I don’t
understand you at all. Will just stop?” I grab her arm, fed up now.
She looks at me bored out of her mind. “Let
go! Give me my stuff Justin.”
“No.” I don’t let her move. But, damn it she’s
a pit bull.
“You can’t keep me here, this is wrong.” her
voice struggles a bit.
“What’s wrong with offering you some help? You practically invited yourself
in here, what was supposed to do? Its even worse now outside. Do you want
to go back out there… freezing? Come on, give up this act. I see through it.”
“There is no act just… let… me… uh… go… Stop it. What? Stop trying already.
You can’t control me.” she almost gets away but its downhill when I corner
her against the wall.
I smile a little. I see her face, it looks bad. I shouldn’t feel so proud
that I’m hurting her more even though it wasn’t my intention. I don’t want
to get rough but I guess she’s calling for it. Her face changes, it gets
softer. Her eyes appear darker, she’s losing herself slowly. “Stop it.”
As hear those words, something happens, something I didn’t see coming.
I definitely didn’t sense it coming. I start to fall inside of it too. What’s
going on? “Julie? What?”
She shakes, her hands shake rapidly. I cradle her wrists and slam them
hard onto the wall above her head. Whoa, what happened there? Shit, I don’t
know. I stare straight ahead as I watch her helpless, crying. There’s more
to it. She takes in a sharp breath, still shaking. I see them coming in fast
now. I want her to stop, she will stop. She has to stop. I will help her
stop. I have to do this.
I swallow and move closer and my lips press a spot on her cheek that was
stained with her human emotions. I keep its there for a good 3 seconds and
she begins to still and mainly stiffen. I hear her quiet moans and pull away
to scan her eyes. Her wrists were still above her head and now I really felt
a shit. I give a thin smile and place them on the back of my neck. I just
let her go and she jerks back gasping and blinking ravenously. I swallow hard.
Her blinking is starting to freak me a little. I wanna know what she’s thinking.
I don’t think I should ask her. Maybe I shouldn’t scare her.
“I’m sorry.” I whisper.
I watch with wide eyes as she places her hands
right where they were before. “I’m not.”
I don’t know why or what did it but my mouth had wanted to just do something.
I got closer and stopped on her forehead. My lips plant themselves softly
onto her skin.
“Lower…” she sounds and wakes me a little.
I’m screaming inside, she speaks and all I feel like doing is throw emotion
in front of me. “Lower… please.”
Dammit. This is where it starts. Do I want to do this? I really care about
her but I did break with Jenna tonight. Well, fuck Jenna, actually no, thank
god I don’t have to do that anymore. Anyway, damn, what do I do now?
“Justin?” I look at her, its hard. Her eyes
are locked closed.
She wants this. I care about her. She really wants to do this. I feel torn.
But why? What am I doing? Do I know her? She’s amazing. I met her at the theater,
I came back to see her again. The movie line was really lame but I needed
something to see her again. I had to see her. I came back a week later the
same day and she was gone. I drove off thought to myself. About my life.
About people in my life. If I keep her, if I do this, can it change my life?
Was I really looking for love to begin with. With Julie it was all sex, sex
and low tolerance. But, shit, she wants this. She wants this and so do I.
I make my decision and tilt slightly, savoring the seconds, the moments,
all of it. I hear a scream I jolt back and find that she’s landed on the floor…
with Sam jumping on her.
“Sam!” I start pulling his collar.
I hear her laughing and I start to cry, shit ok wipe your tears before
she sees. God, I love her laugh. It’s beautiful.
Sam eventually ran out and Julie and I seat on the floor. She’s still laughing.
She rocks as she laughs, that’s new.
Her laughs die down a little and she looks at me and giggles. Well, confuse
me more why don’t ya? I smile, “What is it?”
She laughs again, “I don’t know. But I don’t
want it to stop. God, I haven’t laughed in forever.”
I came next to her and leaned my back against the wall. I look at her profile.
I start thinking again. Actually, for once I don’t. I look at her, the back
of my hand brushes her cheek.
She takes my hand and holds it in her lap. “Do
you have a thing about touching me?”
I breath out, I slow things down a bit. “Sorry.”
“Don’t, its fine. I’m not weird about stuff like that its just you know,
you never know when the wrong person touches you.” she seats cross-legged
and looks down.
I know exactly what she means. But I won’t delve into the issue if she
doesn’t want that. “Yeah, you kinda have to be careful.”
She nods gently. Her whole life has been such a failed attempt to survive.
I can tell that without knowing her. Its so sad to me. Here I am, being all
bitchy about all the horrible shit going on with me and I never realized there
are really other people who battle worse than me. I really want to get her
out of those wet clothes… er well, because she might get sick.
“Do you ever wanna stop? Just stop the world and live in it without people
for once?” This caught me off guard now.
Though, tragically, once again, I feel the meaning of what she’s saying.
I take a large breath and let it out. “Yeah, most of my life I wish it would
all go away. Like the things we know we can’t control but we still wanna change
it anyway because we feel strange. But, yeah I know.”
I wanna grin forever. It’s been a while since
someone just listened to what I felt. Too fucking long. I have so
much pent up shit built up and talking to mom was the start. I know she listens
but sometimes I need to be with someone and have them listen to me in the
flesh.
I stopped searching for love since I was in high school. I had girls who
wanted to fuck me but no one mature enough to deal with me. No one I actually
wanted to be with. I still came out of the shallowness with a good head at
least. Like I said, becoming a cop wasn’t what I dreamed of, I really dreamed
of falling for someone. I wanted than more than money or success. I wanted
someone I could respect.
“You’re quiet. What are you thinking of?” I
startle a little.
“I was thinking about, well, I don’t know.”
For some reason that sounded so stupid.
She ducks down to give a sympathetic look. “Really?
You OK?”
All pretense falls from my voice. I speak from
me. “Yeah, I will be.”
Aurora’s POV
Oh my god. Its been a good while since I’ve really had a good time. In
fact, I don’t think I really every truly felt so free as I do right now.
I feel like he’s really listening to what I say and it makes me wanna keep
hugging him through, I think I’ve overused the hugging card. He’s really just
such a… person. Its refreshing. And hey, its been 3 weeks since I’ve watched
TV. He suggested we catch Leno and Conan. I miss Conan. I used to catch it
when I had that apartment I was kicked out of a month ago. Oh well.
It was nearly 11:35 and almost time for Leno. I was so just relaxed now.
So free. I looked over at him, he has this concentrating expression going
on. I notice that a lot when he pays attention to something. It’s kind of
cool that I know that and its only been tonight we really met. All those other
times seemed like a dream. He catches me staring and I turn my head quickly.
I smile and bite my lip, he makes me feel like a stupid little girl. I hear
him laugh and feel his arms cover me tightly. I gasp, he surprised me, I
like it a little.
He puts his cheek against mine and sighs, “What
are you staring at?”
I giggle slightly, “I’m sorry, you were just so into what the TV had to
offer I thought I’d lost you for second.”
“I’m sorry, here, we’ll turn it off and I’ll let you stare at me all you
want.” he reaches for the remote but I stop him.
Silly boy. “Don’t. I really don’t care to look
at you anyway. Sit down now.”
I wanna swipe the grin he wears, he comes next to me on the floor and hugs
me again. He seems to love to hug me, not that I’m complaining but in the
past usually when someone had touched me it wasn’t for sentiments.
I lean into him and close my eyes. This has to be a dream, it has to. No
one, not in my life has been so vulnerable to me. My tongue wets my lips as
I listen to his breathing. Its like a song almost. Almost as if he’s singing.
Funny, he doesn’t come off as any Michael Bublé to me.
My hand draws tiny circles upon the back of his hand. I feel so much warmer
than I had hours ago. I really hadn’t really laughed like that in so long.
I told him his dog was so weird, but I didn’t tell him that I was glad he
interrupted us before anything happened. I was in some kind of control. His
control and I couldn’t help myself to be honest. His alluring voice didn’t
help either. When he kissed my tear streak, I was gone. I knew I was gone.
I had wanted him. I really wasn’t in my body anymore it was some other girl.
Let’s just call her The Id. The pleasure principle. Something I haven’t
considered since I let the world basically run and ruin my life. Pathetic.
I guess my theory on the Id is politically incorrect. I’m supposing he’s
forgotten all about it. He should, nothing had happened.
He cares about me. It makes me sad and happy to admit it. He doesn’t know
my real name and he cares for me. Is that right? Should I tell him who I am.
He calls me Julie and I wonder on the day that I had told people what I changed
my name to. I was curious if I made a mistake. Julie is not me. I’m Aurora,
that’s my name. I’m confused though. Do I want to see him again? Maybe… I
should think it thoroughly with thought first. I keep seeing him whenever
something bad happens.
“Julie?” God I wanna kill that name and tell
him.
I sit up a little, “Hmm?”
“Are you warm enough?” his voice is so gentle.
Are you kidding? I got like three layers of oversized sweaters and two
arms around me. “Yeah, this feels nice. Are you sure you’re not cold?”
“I’m stealing it all from you. I never get cold.”
“OK, that was queer.” My eyes shut slowly as
cuddle up more.
“No, that was the truth. You feel so warm to me. I’m taking it all.” I
like when he makes lame jokes that make no sense.
I take a couple of moments to ponder what happens tomorrow. I really want
to stay here. I want to tell him the truth. Where I stay, I don’t even stay
in a house. Do I go back to that or I stay? I stay. I want to stay. But if
I stay I run the risk of telling him the truth. Is it so bad he knows that
I’m homeless and really don’t know who I am? Does the question answer itself?
“Are you asleep?”
I smirk, “No. Do you want me to be?”
“If you’re tired, you can sleep in my room.”
Sleep? No, I don’t want to sleep. I don’t want this to go away now. I want
to be awake the whole night. “No, I wanna stay here, like this, with you.”
“I do too.” I feel his lips press on my temple and I shiver as I begun
to feel the warmth his skin generates on mine.
“I don’t want this night to end… ever. I don’t want to do anything else.”
My emotions take over and I’m left with my heart now.
His lips brush in a straight line up my neck. My eyes grow wide. What am
I doing? What is he doing? Fuck! I can’t control this now. I have to force
myself. I moan. Shit. No, no moans. Stop it Rose. This is crazy. I moan softly.
“Jus… no no NO stop this. OK, I gotta say something.” I struggle to get
away and succeed but he looks at me with questions. I want to give in, I do.
He has to know this.
I’m still connected to his hand as I start to explain myself. I’m so lost,
I don’t know what to say at first. I guess thinking about it fucked it up
royally. “I’m not clear on this, I mean I don’t understand what’s happening.
Nobody has ever been like this with me. I’m sorry, I’m not together now…”
I feel his arms come around me gingerly. It goes away. It just goes away.
My life leaves me.
I can’t stop it now. I shake, dammit. OK, let
go. No, don’t. I let go now and stare away.
“It’s OK, I’m fine. What time is it?” Stupid but I had to do something,
this is getting too personal for me.
He clears his throat and rubs his nose looking above me, “It’s like 11:15.
Are you hungry we have 20 minutes left?”
Maybe, I could try something. Who am I kidding,
I haven’t eaten in almost 2 days. “Um, yeah ok.”
His hand touches my cheek and stand up smiling. I follow behind him and
look around me. I don’t have much time to though I’m already in the kitchen.
I rub my arms together as I see him shuffling items in the pale pictured
fridge.
I hear him groan as he moves containers in the back. I never really understood
how some people live with so much food and save it in tupperware. If I had
every chance I would eat whatever was given to me, well given my lifestyle,
I’m forced to.
I watch him shut the door and think with his fingers scratching his forehead.
I carefully look at him.
He turns his head to me, biting his lip, “Mind
if I get a pizza?”
I nod a smile and speak with a soft tone, “Sure.
Anything is good.”
“Cool. I’ll be right back… oh what do you want?”
Jeez, didn’t know my opinion counted so much.
“Whatever you like I’ll like.”
I tug at the sweater as he takes in what I said and grabs the stationary
phone on the table. I excuse myself as I hear him make the order. His dog
suddenly comes out of nowhere and puts his cold, wet nose on my knee. I manage
to get a away and sit on the corner of the couch. His nose begins to push
my legs and alright I give in. Animals need this much attention I guess.
I bend down a little and start brushing my hand over his golden fur. Its
so soft. The semi loud panting is sort of scaring me but it stops as I keep
going. Good dog.
I can’t help it, I’ve seen this done with people who had pets and I guess
its infectious with me. “Do you always need this much attention? So…” I surf
for some identity and find a mental tag with a name. “Sam, how old are ya?”
“Almost 4. I got him at a flee market in Schenectady when I was living
there. He‘s my best friend.” I hear behind me and jump.
I turn and stand up sort of fast. Head rush, dammit. I take a second to
focus and get a good look at him. God, he looked so sexy leaning up against
the wall. “Really? I’ve never had pet I guess that’s why I’m so weird around
yours. I guess it takes time for them to get used to someone.”
He shakes his head, “No, he usually tells me
if he likes someone right off the bat. He likes you.”
I blush, it’s a dog, “Maybe he likes the attention
more.”
He laughs at my lame attempt at levity, “Could be both.” His shoulders
shrug as he peals himself off the wall and walks toward me and grabs Sam’s
collar.
He does some kind of strange trick with him. I yawn kind of loudly and
cover my mouth, blushing again. As he plays with Sam, he looks at me. “I
got half pepperoni and half cheese. I can’t make up my mind one thing. Also,
I didn’t know if you were a vegan or a vegetarian. Anyway, should be 20 minutes
he said.”
I roll my eyes and kneel down, my hands on my
knees, “I told its fine.”
“I know, I was just being sure.” I stare at him a laugh. I can’t help the
queer playfulness that he shows.
“You don’t have to be so concerned. I’m really just happy you didn’t slam
the door. I’m happy you opened the door. This is New York I almost forgot.”
I look down as he reaches for my hand, “I’m
glad I was there. Hey, do you wanna see something?”
“OK.” I get up and we walk to his room.
I couldn’t stop rubbing my shoulders. Maybe I’m hot. He goes to his closet
and clicks on the light. He pulls out a rebek shoe box and opens it up. I
look around his and notice how empty it really is. Granted he’s not gay so
style is something the heteros obsess over as much. He had a bookcase stored
sort of slum-like with a bunch of fiction and non-fiction works. Some were
old ones and new editions. I wonder, had he read all the books? I love reading.
Being someone else for a change. Similar to being in the theater. The life
you lead when you read is not you. Its better than you. It’s Pleasantville.
No interruptions. No deterring. Its nearly heaven or something just like it.
“Julie?” I turn around, he has a CD case in
his hand.
I gesture to it, “What is it?”
He takes my hand and we sit on his bed. He’s quiet for moment. Almost as
if he’s remembering something meaningful. He shows it to me now.
“I got this two years ago when I met him and it’s the only thing I have
that has meant any importance to me. Lame but its true.”
I trace his possession and smile. Stuff like this makes me happy. Just
one simple material can change someone’s life. I had barely heard of the
vocalist but I’d heard talk he’s got an amazing talent.
“You think its stupid too. I guess you can call it a good luck charm for
my life. Though, lately, haven’t received much luck.” He shouldn’t talk like
that.
I shake my head slightly, negating his words, “I disagree. I think this
is great to have. Is he any good?”
He looks at me oddly, “You’ve never heard him
before?”
I blush pathetically, its hard to listen to music when you’ve had less
than 7 CDs in your life. All of which were damaged. Music was really devoid
in my life. “I heard of him but I never heard his voice.”
He laughs, I ease when he does this. “I can’t believe you’re never heard
of him. You’ve gotta be living under a rock or something.”
Joke, yes, but still… Well, the bed in the studio
feels like one. I guess I live on the rock rather than under
it. Professional liars, raise your hand? Eh, guilty
is me, or rather, me and everyone.
I shrug a bit, “What’s so great about him anyway?”
He gets up and starts to throw his arms outward weirdly. I squint questions.
“You’ve gotta be kidding girl. Julie, Al Green. Al Green.
The man can do no wrong. I worship the guy. His voice is just GOD! I mean
Reverend Al Green Julie. You know what I’m saying?”
I felt like I was put on the spot big time.
I said what I usually say when I’m this nervous.
“So, basically you’re telling me you are gay
or you collect Jesus stickers. Which is it?”
He grins and sits down next to me. “Neither.
Just listen to his voice.”
He gets up again and goes to his stereo to play the disc. I hear beginning
cords and watch as a cop tries to move like he’s Usher or something. Not bad,
but still, its too funny. I hold back no longer. I laugh through my hand
covering my mouth. Dammit, he saw me. Oh no, he might pull me with him. Shit,
no I can’t dance.
“Oh Julie, your turn. Come on, get up here.” he doesn’t even give me a
chance to answer he just pulls me up and takes my hands
I just stand there. Here I was, laughing at him a second ago when I can’t
even find appealing rhythm myself.
“Justin, I can’t do this.” I whine.
My eyes grow out as I feel him hold me closer
to him and turns to my ear. “I, I’m so in love with you. Whatever you
want me to. Is alright with me. I wanna spend my life loving you.” He
sings. I smile at his efforts.
“Justin.” God, I should really shut up now. I feel so grateful. Is this
what it means when they say be free?
I moan out while he starts tickling me with more words I’ve dreamed someone
world say to me. Its almost like the song is written now.
If its possible, he pulls me closer.
Loving you whether, whether
Times are good or bad happy or sad
Times are good or bad happy or sad
Something inside me was bad. It was saying that I should stop, think and
don’t let anything happen. I’m so sick of putting up with that voice. I make
a promise to get rid of it.
Problem. I’ve had it too long and I’m too weak
to fight it.
Let‘s stay together
Let‘s stay together
I push myself off swiftly and jam off the music. I hate this song. I hate
it and hate it more. My back is turned and I was fuming.
“You know, this isn’t life, this isn’t what it is. I don’t know why you
believe in something like this. Staying together. What a crock.” I scoff,
the moment’s officially killed thanks to moi.
He cups my face gently, “Why don’t you believe
in that? Are you just scared again?”
I roll my eyes. Now we’re back to this again. I remove his hands, his touches
are a tad too personal.
I don’t know what to say and I’m finding it hard to put into words. I take
a breath, I wonder why any of this has got this far. How I got here, what
I’m doing.
“This is the world I know Justin. This is what
I grew up knowing. I’m OK with that.”
He takes big step forward and I step back. This is the third time now,
oh god, memories… of… foster parents. I wasn’t exactly taking crap back then
from anyone and I would get in big trouble for speaking my mind. I just got
more hurt. I step back further. Oh no.
I feel his breath on my face as he moves closer. He breathes in a fluid
motion. I bravely open my eyes, its different. He’s not going to hit me,
its clear.
“I’m not OK with it. Believing in friendship is the best thing in the world.”
I want to go to sleep just on his voice. Seriously, what does he know?
“It’s not that easy to do. You talk like you’re in some sick obsession
with that notion. Quit trying to push what’s best on me, I’m fine
I told you that.” I suddenly find myself backed against the wall
once again.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. But, its not the worst thing to
not be alone. No offense, but, without knowing you, I already know you are
alone and you hate it. It’s painful, right? Carrying that with you everyday,
feeling like you don’t have a place or even a home to feel warm in again.
OK, now the loser‘s ripping off Eddie Murphy.
“You don’t know you only assume that is true.”
He tilts his head, I almost think he looks past me. He smiles simply. “Assuming
and knowing are two different things. I bite knowing better than assumptions.”
“It doesn’t mean anything to me.”
“I think it does. Actually, I know
it does. Beauty is the truth here, I look in your eyes and I know, I don’t
even think, I know your beautiful.”
I laugh more as our stares move. It’s a joke, no big deal. But now, sadly,
it changes… I think my feelings tell me to escalate, with him. My nose touches
his. I almost pause but keep going, the gap growing smaller and smaller. God,
my first real kiss!
We break though on account of his doorbell.
End scene.