Chapter 12: Make Over

Justin's POV

Heaven.

I've heard the many stories. I don't believe anything compares to how changed this night has become. It started off with visible pain and somehow, continued with life. Life did happen and it happened when she cried on my doorstep. I can’t stop touching her, and every time I resist it. It’s as if an addiction serum had injected itself into my emotions and I can’t get enough. I really can’t stop looking at her. She just… she keeps licking her lips out of politeness and the tomato sauce that somehow finds its way.

I think I’ve made a mistake tonight. I should’ve done it before, despite being consistently deterred from getting there. I don’t try to stop myself from thinking about it. I should have kissed her when I had the chance. Though, knowing me, those strangled thoughts will just continue onward so I will close it for the time being.

I watch her lay on her stomach, looking out as the night plays. Her long brown locks are swiped on her right shoulder as she begins twirling the wet bundle strip. I remain adjacent on her left while we catch Leno’s Monologue.

She’s been quiet for a while now. I’m starting to miss her voice. I decide to purposely pester her by blocking her attention from the screen laying in front of her. She at first looks to the ceiling, than down a little.

“Yes?” Like I’m bothering her or something.

I smile, “Nothing, so how are ya doing? You still hungry?”

I see her blush a little, she averts her eyes back on the screen. “I’m good, thank you.”

She tucks her lips in such a sexy manner, it drives me in lucid fixtures I can’t seem to control. I wanna reach out to her again… just to be sure. I never know what she’s thinking. “Can I ask you something?”

I move on my elbows as her eyes plant their attention onto me. “Yeah?”

You ever have one of those moments where you’ve had the question and than one minute, it vanishes? Damn, what was it again? Oh yeah… “Would you like some tea or something? Are you sure you’re warm enough?”

She pegs a shy slightly, I won’t make her look at me I just wish I knew the real reason why she doesn’t. She still doesn’t know how to trust me fully yet. I don’t know what I should do. She rests her cheek on her crossed arms, “I’m fine.”

I frown. She doesn’t say very much… suppose its me? Well, who else? It’s kind of sad. Its one of those “so close but so far away” thingymabobbers. Hmm interesting… “You know what I was thinking?”

I silently breathe out, “What were you thinking?”

“Not just one thing. A lot of stuff. Like how life sometimes is just one big mystery. Like it isn’t supposed to be satisfied or anything. Its vague.”

I don’t know where to build from that. I wonder, “Are you trying to find answers or, I mean… What makes you think certain things can’t happen? If this is making any sense to you.”

She shakes her head siding with some confusing ideals I don’t familiar with. Sitting up and crossing her legs in Indian style, she leans on the palm of her hand, “Its not that I believe everything gets worse, its just… I don’t know. Talking about any issue seems weird a little bit.”

“No, its not. Believe it or not what you say matters.”
It really does. More than she knows.

She rolls her neck cracking the silent muscles. Her head stays titled, in though. Her eyes don’t move, she smirks in a meek manner. “I really can’t explain it even if I wanted to tell you. Its not just one thing you know? it’s a whole slue of events crushed all in one fucked up reject.”

I hold her hand. I can’t believe what she’s saying. The girl I saw laughing before, she was there, she still is here. I’m holding her hand. My thumb slowly traces her skin. I wanna say something but I am interrupted.

She pauses, and looks in my direction. The hazel of her eyes corner me like I owe her some explanation. “I wanna be happy.”

The statement that poets often find themselves repeating everyday. Was she the poet. I wanna know her life so much. Ugh, why is life so damn complex. I wish I could know her.

“How come you never talk?” she whispers.

I realize I’m still on my elbows and achingly elevate myself off the floor. “Well, I can tell you whatever you want to know?”

She sinks and pulls her knees to her chest. “What makes you happiest?”

I didn’t even have to think. “Knowing everyone I love is safe.”

She shakes her head profusely, “No, I mean, for you? What brings you to life when you’re doing it?”

I turn my back on the question. I sort of refuse to answer it. But… something about her jolts me to break the habit. The words are the song and strings of my life, “Loving someone. Showing them who I am and not faking my feelings for anything.”

I close my eyes, my honesty has scared her I think. I knew it, I was being selfish. My eyes open and she’s closer now. I can feel her breath, its warm wings flutter and paint my cheek soundlessly. She’s not afraid anymore.

She swallows and takes another breath, “I’d give my life to have at least one person really love me and mean it.”

“What about your family? There has to be someone… For some reason I was convincing myself more than her.” I stop as she gets closer and shakes her head.

“There is no one.” She says without a voice. It doesn’t even belong to her. Where did she go?

I blink, her face is getting closer. I don’t move. “No, there is someone.”

“Who? No one loves me. No one ever did. ” I hate hearing her talking like that.

I was leaning against the wall. She had me strained still. “Julie, you shouldn’t think you are alone. You have me.”

Her eyes scanned my face in patient pace. She takes her time. I notice her movements remain so slow. “No, you belong to someone else.”

I well -- I did, but no, not anymore. I don’t love Jenna. “I belong to you.”

I have no idea who said that but it came from my lips. I’m talking like a man losing his mind. Someone in a spacious unconscious dream. I can’t snap away. Everything that is happening is unheard of.

She smiles, wow... She smiles. I’m really in this moment. She’s happy. I stumble. Losing myself for a second. I clear my throat.

She shies her face away again. Almost getting rid of my comment. “This only happens in those 50s movies. I feel like this is dream. People don’t talk that way.”
What makes her think that up? “Why not? Life can be that way. It doesn’t have to be perfect its just…”
“I didn’t say that, Justin. Its just weird to hear it. I mean last I checked my life hasn’t gone this path. It’s just ugh! I can’t really describe it. Its not just one thing. You wanna know something?”

I bite my lip unknowingly but I welcome her to continue, “What’s that?”

Suddenly, she moves away once again. She still looks anywhere but my eyes. Like I had venom spewing out I don’t know. She moves her position to sit against the wall.

“I just been wondering what life would be like if I hadn’t born the way I was. If I had had a reasonably surviving childhood. I mean, hey, I don’t want to bother you with that stuff…”

“No you’re not. Really, you never bother me when you talk about anything. I know how you feel more than you know.”

She’s silent again. It bothers me a lot. I can’t seem to understand her yet unless she lets me. “There’s too much to know. Its so confusing. Always, my life has been this big swirl mess over and over. You know, at the same time, here I am… Right here, and this isn’t the part that I’m getting. It’s trivial. Who knew at this moment I’d wearing your clothes, staying somewhere where I wasn’t even invited into, wasting your time like this. I really honestly think that I shouldn’t have come here. But I don’t... I-I can’t think about this anymore.”

I watch as she falls down on her back and covers her eyes with her arms. I need to get rid of wanting to touch her fast. That’s not what she needs. I pushed it too far I knew it. I blew it.

“Please don’t be afraid of me. I don’t think I can take so much as I did tonight. I know I seem like a supreme fuck up.”

Alright, I’m too tired of this already. I don’t care anymore, I move my body toward her and remove her arms slowly from concealing her face. I take them and play with them a bit.

“Don’t make it seem like its doomsday. The fact that you’re still living is reason enough not to say that. Why do you bring yourself down so much?”

I wanna give her some space to answer, I figure I could maybe use that to find out more things. She scoffs and pick up her head as I let go. She gives me a weird look.

“I don’t do that.” And that was it. Excuse me?

I push my lips together, “Do you love yourself? I mean, do you believe in yourself?”

Quiet again. Well maybe I should give it time. I’m always so damn impatient.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. No offense, why do you want to know?” Her toned seemed of something painful, like she wanted to say more.

I scratch my head, gradually but not completely giving up, “I think its pretty clear. Why are you so negative? I’ve never met anyone more depressed than me to tell you the truth.”

I know that gruff sigh, its one I remember my mom gets when I did something wrong. She gets up and starts pacing, “Is that supposed to be funny? What do you want to know? What? I’m sad? What is it? Are you so
thrilled to find out the miserable details that is my life. If you can call it that. Trust me, you don’t even know the basics.”

I stand up trying to keep her still but I’m finding it very hard with all stuttering motions. “Why don’t you tell me than? I can’t do anything unless you let me in. Why is that so hard? What bothers you? Julie, come on, you-”

“Don’t call me that! You don’t even know who I am! You don’t.” She screamed in my face but it still didn’t pass me.

My eyes narrow, what’s she talking about? “What?”

She weakly dismisses my query, “Nothing.”

No, its not. I grab her arm, seriously, she’s acting odd. “No, what is it? What do you mean? Why can’t I call you Jul-”

“Just drop it.” I keep the grip steady without hurting her.

My face softens. This isn’t working. Getting angry doesn’t change anything usually. “This doesn’t have to be this way you know? You can tell me. What do you mean I don’t know who you are. What? What do you mean?”

“Forget it. Just, can we not do this? There are some things I can’t tell people. How would you like it if I asked you a private question? Huh? I can’t do this
with you.”

Suddenly I find an infinity of questions were pestering in my confused mind. She’s sending me all these weird signals and I feel like screaming the one question I wanna know the answer to.

I look at her, she wipes her eye with her fingers and turns around again. I wanna touch her so badly now but I hold myself, its not gonna matter. She’s confused me too much and I can’t will her to tell me if she doesn’t want to.

“I…” she stops, “I’m sorry, its nothing you could understand really. No one has really cared that hard.”

“You’re wrong. I care more. Please, why can’t you answer my question? What’s wrong really?”

It was pulling teeth getting and waiting for the answers. She sure took her sweet time.

“My life is full of bad shit and I don’t wanna really tell anyone. It doesn’t make me feel like the weight is lifted. Its always been there. No one wants to help really. And they can’t.”

I draw more blanks. OK, I don’t mean to sound rude but she has to make sense and just tell me something. “I promise I’ll do my best. Come here.”

Her head slowly pans my way, I am heartbroken with those eyes. Darker than cinder, she comes toward me warily. She comes close enough and rests her vision on my face.

My arms don’t wait another second as they blanket her frame with small ease. “Why do you d-”

I shush her softly, I know that voice. It isn’t always about being severely emotional but I can’t help myself. I really wanna do this. I really do want to take care of her. My hands stroke her chestnut locks patiently. I take my time. Everything I thought before, hadn’t mattered. Nothing matters but her. She needs someone. She needs me.

I feel her shake rapidly and hear augmented muffles until she whines a cry. I keep hugging onto her. I don’t want to let her go. Not now. Not when she’s stripped. I have no concerns with knowing what she meant before. It was all past me. She strips herself and I fold into her. I try not complicate things but talking. No. It has to be just this. Things are changing. She gains my friendship, everything dissipates.

As I hold her, I get punctured with a cursory itch. She’s right at least about one thing. Debility travel s in my veins. I’m so petrified. Half of me wants this, and... its too deprecated. I think I have to know something now. Something’s going... I have to ask.

“Tell me something real. Say something.” I just realized how annoying that sounded but I had managed to reserve some sanity of my thoughts or else I start to diffuse rapidly. Maybe its conceded or something, not quite sure.

She unwrapes from my embrace and hugs her shoulders. “I want to so much...”

I pause, meticulous over my next move. I don’t know really how to place that. Bundles of questions come to but I refute to bother. I listen closely. She wants to is what my heart smiles on. I smile, its there, and also, why not? She’s unclear to me again. Why doesn’t she?

“Really, believe it or not I won’t treat it like its shit. I know how it feels to not have a friend. To feel alone. What it feels like when you think the is completely against you. What do you sa-”

And that was it. That was the secret. The soft song playing. It was truthful, rough, spirited. It breathed empty life within different entities that were demolished by the world. The world is hard. The world is strange. I believe sometimes though, the world can be real. Fantastically coereographed and just honestly fit. Nothing could pass my mind. It was still there. I’m glad it happened now. Were things such as feelings possible? No really, was life, can life become something I could really welcome for once? Time is ugly and I’ve grown over my years to detest its purpose. I can’t change it dammit. I only have to be in it. You know they say stuff like this only happens in fiction but, I’m not so sure.

Maybe it can.

He doesn’t know my name! Why? Why can’t I just tell him? Here I am, lips upon the softest masculine texture known to humans and I am distracted by the fact that I am not loyal. I’m a big fact liar. No, I can’t do this! I can’t. My lips break from his and I stand up getting a hold of myself.

I just kissed a cop. Holy fuck. What the shit did I start now? I kissed him and I’m not sorry I did. Usually when I touch a guy, I feel like the lowest form of bile only cuz I let it happen. But no. I’m not used to this treatment. I still can’t believe I fucking kissed him.

My thoughts are skewed beyond repair. I am stunned. Relieved. Strong? Passionate? OK, that was weird. Why did I pull away? Dammit.

“Julie...” No not that. It proves how little you know.

The telephone rings. I breathe a sigh. I jump when I feel his hands grip my shoulders gently. “I’ll be right back. Sorry...”

I see him scurry off toward his cell on the table. “Timberlake? Oh um...”

I stopped listening after that. I felt horrid enough. God, I sat myself on the corner of the couch and covered my eyes with my dirty hands. I felt unkempt. More than unstable. I couldn’t stand. My first kiss. I couldn’t think. First kiss. Couldn’t focus. First kiss. I did it. First kiss. Its my fault. I pulled from my first kiss. Can’t fathom my reaction to it. I was confused. Not sure when or where I was.

I listened to him speak, and that was it. I kissed him in mid sentence because... shit. UGH! Does the question have the answer? I don’t know.

It was earth shattering. I hate myself but I love what I got from the gesture. I kissed him. I still feel alone. I kissed him. Some benevolent spirit sighs in those moments. I wanna do it again. Do I? Take a risk? Live for once. Live for yourself. You keep saying you’re not afraid. Prove it moron. That’s right.

My eyes are black and I don’t know what has happened but that kiss wasn’t me. It was better. I felt... amazing. His lips. That day I stared. Persistant and tender, I'm caught in his dance. I liked this feeling. Never want to let go... never. My fingers sweep gingerly once where he perched. I was molded by... me.

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