Chapter 14: Soar

Aurora’s POV

I fled from him. I found a way and did it. By lying, and manipulating. Guess I should go to hell. Well, I’m “raised” Jewish, I suppose its fate or something. Fate... what a lame ass word.

Anyway, where was I going? I lost my way suddenly. Maybe cuz I’m thinking so extraneously. Tedious fingers probe my recent events. Honestly, it was all to simple. Life. How it played out yesterday night and this morning. Was like one of those Harlequin instances. Something right from the pages of god really knows for this one. I wish someone would tell, wake me. Cuz I’m really stuck here. Walking to nothing. Trying to find reason for other reasons; always. Blocking treason, scraping for inner and spiritual everything. Wow, was all this a dream? Wasn’t I on this street yesterday? I was. Shit. C’est la mon vie I suppose.

Playground school bell rings again
Rain clouds come to play again

Rain desolates and revives what I believed to be there. I am illusioned into destruction. I want to smile and it hurts. It hurts to breathe. I am suffocating, when am I not? Seriously, was there a time in my life where there wasn’t shit? Though, boldly, I move with the ditch. The hurdles sympathize with me through him. But it was fun. No one really can live and tell you the story of love.

Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to
Hello

The weather is quite shivering and with my little red jacket, I burrow myself steadily. I don’t really know what my next move is. All I know is that NO cop will distract me. It felt like I was not even trying with him. Maybe all he really wanted was sex. Usually that’s the case with his gender.

I refuse to believe and think last night had changed any part of my paths. Inadvertently I deceived my soul for staying longer than I had. Ugh, tears a fucking again!

If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream

What do I know now? I don’t know. Everything and nothing has changed honestly. I’m also still finding it hard to walk. He did this to me. I let this happen. I like the first one better. Well, he didn’t really rape me and all we were drinking was soda but last night I believe was out of hallucinations. I was upset, I basically survive on nothing coming up with nothing along the way.

I figure if I’m not dead yet, why bother with diving on it? It’s fucking stupid and so am I so it evens out. I’m better alone. I was always better that
way.

Don't try to fix me I'm not broken
Hello I'm the lie living for you so you can hide
Don't cry

What if I had gone back and stayed? What could that solve in my life? It’s just another thing to place on the worry mantel. God knows its heavy as is. I don’t know if I would I have wished for that.

I regret my emotions and the fact that I cried in front of a stranger, much less lose myself to him. But… I swear it, will never admit it, everything was so real and so uncontrived I wanted to stick with the plan of maybe not being alone. I am alone, not dreaming, I am alone.

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello I'm still here
All that's left of yesterday

I make my way toward the round corner or Sherman Bulevard. I made it this far I can push myself through more I guess. I’m so used to feeling used this shit shouldn’t hurt this much. Why would I want to go back anyway? I question myself lately a lot. Ever since he came into my life I feel horrible about my life. Anyway, moving on to what I have now.

I walk around the street leading up to the studio curled up in my bundle currently chafing me. Loathing my every step, reverting toward nothing and wholeness. It’s fucking scary. I just told the friend in my head about the dream I had; the one where I almost felt something. Who am I kidding? For the first time I find myself emotionally happy, to the point of weeps. And its all real. What am I doing here? Why did I leave? Mandating my body, I am forced to jolt my move forward.

I feel a sharp pain stabbing in the back of me. I feel breath, odious smell painting its tongue. He was big, I feel him behind me. I know its a him, he grunts at me with a teacherous fever sending me into unconsiousness. I feel faint. I feel really hurt. I thought about Justin. I look down finding a mess of blood with a kitchen knife luridly punctured through me. I gasp spitting away what I tasted was iron. No, not iron, dark red. Blood. Its dark red. I feel so light now. The pain was gone when my eyes closed. For a moment I was still than screamed.

Eyes closed. Was I dead? I can’t be. I forgot to tell him. He’ll never know my name. My name its so important. Eyes closed. He doesn’t know where I live, MY LIFE. I haven’t said anything. We made love and the strength he possessed had frightened. I haven’t said anything. Moribud is what I am. My eyes fastened shut. Never once growing a tip a solace. It’s OK. I still find myself saying as I fall to the ground.

I haven’t lived yet... this can’t be. I refuse to know this. I am dead. Choking on my own source of life, I die in anonymity. One had almost knew. I fell, I fell? Did I? I fell into him. He saved me. Melifluous sparks pick me up and my eyes smack open.

A bathroom?!

Justin’s POV

I pick her sheer, wet body up as she looks at me from the bathtub. She’d almost drowned herself. I can’t imagine. I just can’t. Her eyes appear dark and glassy as I place her onto the mat. I move her hair and pick up her head. Shit, she’s cold.

I spot my robe and drape her body with it. I try her face once again and she screams, scary me a little but she’s here, she’s OK. She shakes, all of her shakes, disillusioned in the fact of now. Her eyes start to learn to see again as she wraps the robe more securely.

“I fell asleep. I’m sorry I scared you.” She managed to say.

I could careless of being petrified. She lets my arms wrap around her, still vibrating steadily. “I’m better now that you’re OK.”

“It was horrible.”

I pull her closer, my grip being in control now, “What was?”

A long moment passed, and when she stopped shaking, “What I saw. I left your house and I was outside walking and I felt something stab me hard. My eyes closed and and I was fell on the ground choking on my blood. I don’t know who did it, I couldn’t see his face, everything was slow and my breathing stopped.”

I couldn’t bare to hear that story. Trying to think about that being real is utterly impossible. I refuse to let her let a night vision can scare her away. “It was a nightmare.” I pulled back a little to stare on her face, “Its OK. I won’t let anyone hurt you ever. Come here.”

She embraces me and all I feel like doing is crying. I was going to protect her but I was turbed in my own merit. I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing or how I was going to do it. I can’t be confused. Not when she is. She’s looking to me for warmth and a home. I can’t help but just feel aimless to her calls. I cradle her softly. Paralyzing all fear within me for a moment, just for this. For her.

She’s cold. I move myself away from her just enough so she can put herself in the robe, even though I have witnessed what she already looks like, I still revert my head the other way out of peace for her. I lick my lips, perching my ideas, “Do you wanna go back to bed?”

A silence falls. My face is turned by her hand. I stare into her. Her breathing speeds with a reckless skill I don’t normally encounter with anyone. She opens her mouth, I gape at the attempt after what just happened, “Yeah, my head is spinning.”

I nod carefully, knowing what to do right away. I first pull up the water and watched it drain until it finished, than and I bent over to pull her up with me and stood straight. She had her head on the side, eyes half awake, hearing half there too. I make a good effort to open the door and carry her over to the bed. Her body is laid steady onto the right side and I place her inside the covers. Her head drops on the pillow I was about to fluff.

I feel her eyes on me and but concentrate on getting her warm. As I fold the covers delicately I have visions. I see strange instances. Scratching with claws, they bite on me. I refuse to let them distract, I burn the thought away.

“I died. I died and now I’m here…” I wait as she finishes, she doesn’t.

“Do you wanna tell me about it?”

She breathes in and directly giving me this unassuming stare. I can never seem to break what she throws at me. “No. I just wanna forget.”

Good. I nod, with an understanding smile. “OK,” I bent over to kiss her forehead and pulled back hovering above her face, “I can stay until you fall asleep.”

She chokes back something. She opens her eyes and I see them. She’s sobbing suddenly, “Julie, what?”

She pulls her hands from inside and covers her face, “You shouldn’t be this way with me, you don’t know what I did… who I am. You don’t know.”

It’s a little prying but I manage move her hands from her eyes, “What are you talking about?”

She turns her back on me, wiping her eyes, “Nothing.”

Shit, she was so close. And I didn’t really ask her, she just tells me these things and drops it. Just shit! I shouldn’t be mad now, she almost, I don’t wanna even think it.

“I’m sorry. I’ll be here until you sleep, OK?” I didn’t know what I should say but I was going to stay with her.

“Just go away.”

“Can’t do that.”

“Don’t you have somewhere to go now?”

She almost died and she wants me to leave. This is a joke. “I’m staying alright.”

I hear a grunt come from her mouth, “You don’t have to stay for me. You can just go.”

“No, I’m not. Look, I need to stay with you for now.”

She turns on her back, staring at the ceiling, off in thoughts I can’t pick. “I’m just in shock. Figures I wouldn’t know what it means anyway…”

I wanted to be private. Like let her speak and have her space, but she always does this. I sit on this, I want her to say more and I get silence. Am I being stupid about this? Damn.

“You know?” Huh? “Its like no matter what I say it won’t change how life is just such a painful place. Everything is just horrible. People are strange, they wanna ruin you and you’re killing yourself alone trying to figure out why. I don’t wanna know why, its useless now.” She stops, staring off.

“I feel like I have nothing left. I moving and I’m not getting anywhere. I keep thinking to myself if I just wake up it will all just fucking go away.”

I feel like I wanna say so much only my mouth is clamped up tight. Seems like my body is stronger then my mind in this case. Mechanically, I move slowly over to her, touching her cheek, finding something that makes sense. I’m getting warmer and she doesn’t flinch, the only thing moving on her are her eyes. Beating into mine. “It doesn’t have to be like this. You don’t have to be in this much hurt. Let me save you.”

She releases a straggled tear, one by one I watch them threaten her confidence. I’m losing her. Those tears. I’m crumbling with her. I weaken slowly, I know it. I disappear in her eyes, she knows this too.

Her eyes barely focus on me. Blinded with her uncontrolled gestures, she looks at me finally as if she sees me for the first time. I read them as afraid. “How can you save someone without being sure?”

“Because I know you want me to care you’re hiding in something. I don’t care what you’ve done, the point is you. You came to me and that’s all that matters to me.”

She moves her lips in a tight position, is she angry, “You can’t trust a stranger like that Justin. It’s not simple like you want to believe.”

“Why not? Why can’t I take care of you? Why can’t you let me help you?” I just don’t know anymore.

She coughs slightly, “You wouldn’t understand why.”

“I could try.”

She takes a breath, “Justin… please leave me alone.”

I fix her covers, stalling some time I have, I wish it didn’t have to be like this. Nothing is easy, it appears with everything. I was going to let her sleep to begin with. “OK, are you warm enough?”

“Yes.” She said flatly.

Fuck it, I really wanna make sure. I wanna be close to her a little bit and now is the time. I nod my head and come around the bed. My shoes slip off as do my other clothes and I bury myself next to her under the covers.

She turns her face to me, wondering. “What are you doing?”

I swallow, this is where I tell her something, “I won’t apologize for wanting you alive. I don’t want you to push me away.”

I catch her before she falls into me, she changes herself. Shaking, tremulous in my hold. I calm myself, not sure if my next thoughts were for me or for her. “It’s OK.”

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