Chapter 8: Loving Me For Me
Aurora's POV
3 days passed. I still can't escape one simple gesture. Breaking news:
I stay as of now in a tiny dance studio adjacent to Westport. I have my clothes
and that's it. I was pretty much evicted from my stupid apartment. I hated
it anyway. I have a couple blankets that I keep with me. I still saved the
suitcase my last foster mom gave me. It was medium and it held most of my
clothes. I couldn't take anything but clothes and you can imagine what a pity
that is for a female. I shower and bathe in the studio locker rooms. It drives
me crazy if I'm not clean. Also, it makes me more dejected than I already
am.
Its still amazes me how much dignity I've saved. Also, how lenient I am
about all that's happened to me in the past couple of months. I've never
even been the least bit bilious to anyone. That officer didn't help much
either. I knew it was him the second he yelled at me. I just kept running
and I didn't know why. Then, he caught me. His eyes just looked at me. I
thought he was going to puke. I didn't know I was that ugly. Than, all of
a sudden, I inherited Diana Ross's tone. I was quiet. I'm never that way
with anyone. I was actually soft. My bones even in the semi-hurting state
were relaxed like it caught in some kind of bromide spell. I remember bouting
with him even though he held much strength over the caustic ways of my so
called "self-defense process."
I couldn't tell you much really it all kind of happened so fast. It felt
like eternity. I kept waiting for things to get worse but it was... different
that time. He more than saved me. Despite the brou ha-ha I created at the
supermarket, I thought I was going to make it this time. I did, but I shouldn't
have.
The most capricious part was when he said Julie. Not my name, but the remembering
was what bothered me. How could he have remembered some stupid girl at a movie
theater? I was totally rude to him and I didn't care. I don't understand why
I care this much that he remembered my name. Its not like I have one of those
distinct faces anyone will unobliterate. That was the pestering thing about
this. I don't want to be remembered frankly. I told myself and God, with
whom I have never directly or purposely committed a blasphemy, that I want
people to just work with me and not decipher my reasons. I was so used to
being forgotten that the trait sort of stuck. Daniel Day-Lewis once said
"I stayed alive this long because of fear." I couldn't agree more. It only
works when you don't show it. Sounds like a major contradiction but think
of it like this: we feel at a lowest when we fail, right? We'd be lying to
ourselves point blank if we said we haven't failed at anything. Overachievers
use this process too. Which is sometimes why they seem more diligent than
others. So in order to conduct more confidence within our beings, we use that
bit of petrification to fuel our needs, wants, and desires. Its our right
and no one can stop us.
I suddenly have to pee. The clock at the end of the first floor hallway
reads 9:12pm. I've been staying in the closet of the studio for 2 days. Patrons
just believe I'm a regular. I felt so good to have my first shower in 3 days.
I wouldn't say Howard Hughes has anything on me just that I thrive on good
hygiene. Its important.
I walk down the halls and stair upon the framed performance polariods hanging
on the left and right of me. Some consisting of concerts, updates and past
memories. There were some that had teachers with students smiling brightly.
Luminous visions they were. I suddenly stop onto one. What is this? My eyes
come closer and blink out and almost catch myself in utter cynicism.
"I thought you were out of my life for good. No good conniving bitch!"
I wanted to smash the glass, stomping on the shards afterward.
I ground my teeth. Why the hell do I care? Oh yeah, cause I have next to
nothing. I thought things were over. I still have some nasty things to rely.
She did afterall ruin me and my supposed existence. Now she goes by Jenna.
Like that makes it any better. I blow a raspberry thinking about nothing but
peeing as I run toward my destination.
I'm out of breath as I closed the door. I close my eyes, wielding myself
rational again. This wasn't working. How could someone so pathetic still have
this big of an effect on me? I start to do my business all the while compelling
myself with thoughts of waterfalls and such to spring some fluid out. I turn
on the water on high pressure. That sometimes helps. It did. Success. I can
breathe. I stand up quickly and flush. I start to convoke all natural senses
one by one. This was getting frustrating. Why I'm still thinking about Jennifer
Soloman will never squeak by me.
I step out and I hear an indistinct voice. Speaks strangely odd. Like I
heard it before only it was higher. I don't care that much but I can't help
unescaping the torture-filled conversing.
"...are you sure? I mean did he like tell you all that? Baby, OK I think
I got it. Alright, when's the time? Its 15 after 9. You're always held up.
We hardly see each other anymore. Sorry, its just I don't know what to do.
I feel like you're avoiding me. Alright, how long? Why don't we go out? Just
cause. Sweetie, I miss us. Like how we used to be."
God... can it get more trivial? Eyes roll...
I think it can.
"... OK. Meet you out front in about 10. I don't know, I think about 10
tonight. They lock up like 15 before that though. Good thing my last class
ended now. OK, I love you. Bye."
I heard a click and hide myself. Why I really bothered to eavesdrop, makes
me annoyed. OK, I was going to take my notebook and just fisk around until
I find some common justice. Too much life coerces me straight into dumbassville.
I already felt like I lost brain cells listening to one person talk.
I snuck around the closet and grabbed my pad and pen. I also grabbed my
wallet. Of what I had, I felt like something warm like cocoa would do me
right. I had around 2 hundred bucks from the last guy I stole it from. I've
had that skill since I started living on my own. Although, it rarely works
today unlike 2 days ago. And let me tell you 200 was not even all of my rent
before my ass was evicted.
I pull my red jacket over my shoulders and stuff the pad under my arm as
I walk out the lobby. The door opens and my face gets about hit with 10 degrees
below. Shit, its so cold. I figure since its cold, walking will do nothing.
I'd rather be inside a cafe or something. Than the word taxi filters my mind.
OK then. I start to see a couple people invisibly slowing me down and I suddenly
turn around and stare to my right. The taxi stops and I see the door open.
Normally from my memory and personal experience, cabbies don't care much for
people so my legs speed up to the yellow vehicle up ahead me. I was getting
closer than I saw a leg peak out, I didn't care. I kept going.
My legs finally reached the cab in time but oh no, the body came out. Go
just go! I yell to myself, but nothing. WHY is what I want to know? Just WHY?
My eyes are not my own anymore, possessed being the tantalizing term taking
place. Lips licked, yes, I'm not there. No one is.